Occupational Hazards
by t3h maniac
Summary: Zidane finds out that being a thief in the midst of battle has a lot of downsides. ZidPOV of the 1st beatrix battle. Rated M for reasons... updated because he's not the only one to encounter problems with doing what he's supposed to.
1. Hazards Of A Thief

**Occupational Hazards**

**A/N: Another random idea, I noticed a discussion on how Zidane's stealing rate is so low especially with Beatrix battles so what I offer onto you is a unique POV of Zidane during the first Beatrix battle and the occupational hazards of being a thief in the midst of battle.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy IX or any of its characters or locations.**

**Remember, Zidane's POV**

**---**

Okay Zidane, you can do this. Its just the smoking hot, butt-kicking General of the entire Alexandrian army. No biggy. She has no depth perception.

"Detect!"

Okay lets see what we got here. A phoenix down… chain plate, nice. A Mythril Sword? Awesome, gotta have that.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Oh right the sword. Forgot about the fact that she's swinging a sword at me.

Come on hi-potion do your thing… yuck. I can't stand how these damn things taste. Its like spinach, or Gysahl pickles. But it helps the damn gaping cut on my arm at least, okay Zidane lets steal some stuff.

Okay we got the phoenix down first try, not bad. Now for the spare sword.

Wait a minute, there's two swords and only one sheath. I saw her take out the one that slashed me and BAM! There goes Quina. Note to self, avoid energy blast.

Okay lets try this again… steal and I got the chain plate. She must have had a spare in case of an emergency but why would she have it where I could steal it? Anyway, now for the sword.

Where the hell is she keeping that damn thing? Every time I try and go and get it I get about 20 second searching her before she tries and zaps me away. Why? When I got the chain plate I could have sworn I saw a blush just before hand or was that just me being hopeful?

Probably the later but that still doesn't rule out that she likes it!

Focus on Dagger man! Focus! Focus on the oh my god she's!

_BAM! SHOCK!_

Where am I? Oh right, still fighting. Thanks for the phoenix down Freya! Anyway back to stealing the sword. Okay… I think I found it! Just wait for the slash and I've found the sword in her…. EW! EW! EW!

WHAT THE FUCK MAN!

SWORDS DO NOT GO THERE! NOT EVEN THE FUCKING HILT OF THE SWORD!

Now I've heard of women using bananas or cucumbers but a sword? The damn hilt's at least 4 inches wide!

Now I have a slightly damp Mythril sword… gross. Or is it hot? If she's so damn desperate to… Remember Dagger man! Remember the ass, focus on the ass to distract yourself from where you found the sword.

And Now she's pissed.

"No more games. STOCK BREAK!"

Yep she's definatly pissed.

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth being a thief.

---

**Okay… Review?**


	2. Hazards Of A Dragoon Knight

**Hazards Of A Dragoon Knight**

**One shot no more? Yes, the randomness of battle mechanics interpreted into real life continues.**

**Disclaimer: Square-Whatever-they-are-calling-themselves-now owns all the characters.**

**--**

"It's only a tick sparrow we can take it easy." Zidane said as a blue bird with a large beak tried to peck at the thief and the lancer. Why did the walk from Treno to a weird forest have to be so annoying?

"Still, I should use it to get back into jumping practice." Freya murmured before jumping an impossible height into the air.

"Yeah, you do that…"

_Wow, it's really cold up here, seriously cold. It's not like coming above the mist to sun light it gets a lot colder when you go up this high._

_So very cold. _She began to shiver in mid air, having only a thin coat for insulation purposes.

"What's keeping her? At this rate the sparrow's going to be gone by the time she hits the ground." Zidane said, it was boring waiting for her to execute her jump attack. If it missed, she'd be stuck in the ground for a while so he had to hold the bird's attention. Even if it meant letting it claw at his shoulder for a bit. The things talons weren't sharp enough to penetrate the skin but the scratching was getting on his nerves.

_Okay, calm yourself Freya. Dragoons are not affected by the cold; well they don't show it anyway. Better land just to be sure I won't freeze. _Pointing her spear straight down, she began her long decent. Picking up speed as she approached the plateau Zidane knocked the monster away from him giving Freya a clear shot. To the Tick Sparrow it must have felt as though the sky was falling on, or should I say through, his head.

"There." Freya said, pulling the spear out of the aggressive bird's skull, taking time to pick some of the feathers as they sold for quite a bundle to collectors and were one of the main components of phoenix down's "What?" She asked as Zidane just stood there, staring at her. It couldn't have been the over kill of using her high jump ability, he was trying out his thievery skill and it had the potential to do a lot more damage. Maybe she was still shivering slightly.

"Is it cold up there or did you get lonely and you're really happy to see me again?" Zidane asked in a best attempt at an innocent voice considering the circumstances.

SLAP! Zidane was spun around on the spot. "Don't think I deserved that."

--

**Hehehe. This was fun to write. I've got two more suggestions already for the hazards of a thief so does anyone have any other suggestions for the other classes?**


	3. Hazards Of A Monk

**Hazards Of A Monk**

**Being a straight up brawler wit the power of Ki may sound well and good, but sometimes it may be better to think it through. Especially if you have red hair and are in dire need of an attitude adjustment.**

**Disclaimer: I no own, you no sue.**

**--**

_Why did I stick around with these losers? _Amarant asked himself as he found himself walking among the roots of the Iifa tree. Ever since he lost that fight to the monkey a day before his life had taken a different direction. _Wouldn't be the first time._ He thought to himself, recalling the Treno incident where Zidane managed to play innocent, giving him a 100 thousand gil bounty.

It didn't help his nerves that apart from the monkey, he was travelling with two midgets and the princess. If monkey boy made another pass at her the monk swore he would puke.

Not to mention the random encounters every 30 or so steps along the tough roots.

What was it this time? Zombies. They were easy enough to deal with. The Princess and the little girl with the horn could despatch them easily with white magic. The midget's black magic worked well against them as well but sometimes it was just faster to cut them to shreds.

Amarant charged in, sinking his claws into the rotting flesh, taking out a few bones with it. The force was enough to kill the monster… or exorcise it…or whatever it is you do to Zombies to get rid of them except for burning them. However when it came time to remove the monster, it wouldn't budge. He tried shaking his arm to get it off but the remains stayed on his claw, rendering it useless in combat.

"If we keep going we'll miss the trunk. Hey Amarant?" Zidane asked, it was time to test his newest party member's skills outside of punching things to death. "There's some Gargant grass here, do you think you could… why do you have a corpse on your fist?" The thief asked, having turned around to see the carcass attached to his hand.

"…" The Monk took of his weapon for a moment, laid it across the root, planted his foot in the corpse's chest, grabbed the weapon and pulled. The claw came free at last, it smelt a bit but it can't be helped. "You we're saying?"

"Why do you have a corpse on your foot?" Zidane asked, an annoying smirk across his face as Amarant looked down to see that the Zobie remains were indeed stuck to his boot. _Oh for crying out loud._

And the moral of the story is, if you are going to fist fight the un-dead, do it bare-handed or you'll never get rid of the darn things. Better yet, just throw a phoenix down on it.

Phoenix downs solve everything!

--

**Also applies to fist fighting robots with intricate circuitry and monsters that don't necessarily writhe in pain when you stab them. Just don't use phoenix downs on them.**


End file.
